I spent my childhood being dragged to college and professional football games, AND attending a major football school for college, without understanding or caring the slightest what football was about, how it was played, or why anyone would waste roughly four hours of their life watching it.
Then when I was in grad school, someone took the time to actually patiently, painstakingly explain every single thing that was happening during a football game; the fouls, the trickerations, the giving of the business, the ins, the outs, the what-have-yous. Once my brain could parse the action and it was no longer an incomprehensible blur of helmets, I became intoxicated with the drama of following my team through the opening kickoff through to the (occasionally heartbreaking) playoffs. I became a faithful season ticket holder for the remainder of my redonkulously affordable student ticket days and never missed a home game, seated a few rows behind the north end zone in the elder statesmen good seats that were my due as a crusty old grad student.
Perhaps you, like me in days of yore, dread football season. Maybe it's the interminable drone of game after game on Saturday and Sunday, weekend after weekend. Or the boredom of everyone else comparing notes about their team during the week as your eyes glaze over. You may even appreciate that football spectatorship on one TV gives you an excuse to hole up in the spare room and watch "Murder, She Wrote" while you quilt (maybe that's just my personal fantasy).
Whatever your reason for wanting to say "Perhaps" to understanding and appreciating football, I hope you'll find my wee little guide helpful.
Football 101: A Crash Course for Those Who Just Want to Keep Up
Ever find yourself at a family gathering where everyone’s yelling at the TV during a football game, and you're just... lost? Maybe you’re pretending to know what's going on, nodding along, but in reality, you're wondering what the heck a "down" is and why people keep running in random directions?
The Basics: What’s the Point of This Game?
Football is like a giant, organized game of keep-away, but with a lot more rules, seemingly constant timeouts for play reviews by the refs/injuries/a word from our sponsor (or in your case snacks and a potty break), and some very intense referees. The goal is to score more points than the other team by moving a football down the field and getting it into the end zone (the big rectangles at each end of the field). The end zone is where the magic happens — a touchdown, worth 6 points, is what every team is chasing.
The Field Breakdown
- The field is 100 yards long.
- At each end of the field is an end zone — the place where you score touchdowns.
- The teams start at various spots on the field and have to move the ball towards the opponent's end zone.
What’s a “Down”?
When in possession of the ball, the team has four downs to get a (drumroll)...down. "Down" in this case means two different but related things. I found this very confusing. Here’s the deal:
- A team gets 4 tries (called downs) to move the ball at least 10 yards. If they succeed, the acquisition of greater-than-or-equal-to 10 yards is called a down, ie "They got the down!"
- If they get a down, they get a new set of 4 downs to try again and keep moving towards the end zone. They keep doing this until they score points or there's a turnover, in which the other team gets the ball and it's their turn to have 4 downs to get a down. (Why they couldn't have different words for this I don't know.)
- If they don’t make it 10 yards after 4 downs, the other team gets the ball.
Example: Let’s say it's 1st down and they need to gain 10 yards (you’ll hear “1st and 10” on TV). If they move the ball 4 yards, the next play will be 2nd and 6 (because they still need to gain 6 more yards).
Key Terms You’ll Hear
- Touchdown: Worth 6 points when a player carries the ball into the opponent's end zone or catches it there.
- Field Goal: Worth 3 points, and it’s when the team kicks the ball through the two big yellow goalposts.
- Extra Point: After a touchdown, the team can kick the ball through the goalposts for 1 extra point or try a riskier play to score 2 points, called a two-point conversion.
- Interception: When a player from the other team catches a pass meant for someone else, and suddenly everything changes direction because the other team is now in possession of the ball.
- Fumble: When a player accidentally drops the ball and it's a free-for-all for whoever grabs it first. The team who had the ball when it was fumbled wants it back so they can keep trying to get a touchdown and the other team wants to take it away so THEY can get a touchdown.
- Line of Scrimmage: The imaginary line where the ball is placed at the start of each play, separating the two teams and marking how far they've advanced on the field.
Positions: Who’s Who?
- Quarterback (QB): The leader of the offense and the one who throws the ball or hands it off to another player.
- Running Back (RB): The player who runs the ball and tries to dodge defenders.
- Wide Receiver (WR): The player who catches the ball the QB throws.
- Offensive Line: The big guys who block the other team from tackling the QB or the guy with the ball.
- Defense: These are the players trying to stop the other team from scoring. They tackle the ball carrier, block passes, and generally make life difficult for the offense.
The Game Breakdown
- Each football game is divided into 4 quarters, each 15 minutes long (in theory—real life adds a lot more time with breaks and replays).
- After 2 quarters, there’s halftime, which is like the game’s intermission. Perfect time to refill snacks and check in on the kids.
- The clock stops a lot for things like incomplete passes, players running out of bounds, and timeouts, so don’t expect it to move quickly.
Cheat Sheet for Conversations
- If you hear, “That was a bad call!” just nod and say, “Yeah, the ref totally missed that!” — you’ll blend right in.
- If the QB throws a long pass and the receiver catches it, gasp and say, “What an arm!”
- On third down, when everyone’s holding their breath, you can mutter, “They really need to convert this” (this means they need to get the 10 yards to keep the ball).
How to Actually Enjoy It
- Snacks: Football is best served with nachos, wings, or chips and dip. Even if the game doesn’t catch your interest, the food always will.
- Football Names: This is one of my favorite parts; some of these players have seriously creative names. Personal faves from teams of yesteryear are D'Brickashaw Ferguson, Duke Ihenacho (commonly called Dookie Nacho), and BenJarvus Green-Ellis (nicknamed The Law Firm).
- Focus on the Drama: Football has tons of dramatic moments — big catches, surprising interceptions (you might hear it called a "pick"), and last-minute comebacks. Even if you don’t know all the rules, you’ll definitely feel the excitement -- if everyone starts yelling, either their team got a crucial down, an interception, a penalty on the other team, or a touchdown (probably; there are other reasons but this is a solid list to work from if you're wondering why everyone's yelling and you've been staring into the void munching nachos).
So there you go! The next time you find yourself watching a football game, you can sit back, enjoy the snacks, and toss around a few football terms with confidence.
Go team! 🏈
